October 27th, 2003


(no subject)

I am sitting here, stalling. I know what I should be doing, but as ever I am disinclined to do it. That's a wonderful word, disinclined; for truly I am not procrastinating nor am I confused about what I should be doing. I would just rather not at this moment, even though there is a nagging sensation that it would be better if I did. It's a miracle that I'm typing this post actually, as the words that run though my head generally stay there an never make it to print in any form even after they have been carefully crafted and lyricized.

Shall we leave the pronous behind? I've magically avoided saying what I am disinclined to do up to this point. But I have come to a crossroad in life and an accounting needs to be made. There are many directions to go and I need to take stock of where I am and where I am going. I wish to enjoy the journey, see the sights. And how do you do that but to find a destination and plan the most scenic route? There's always a backup plan for there will be flat tires and gas stops. The time may run late and shortcuts will be made. But with the destination in mind, these decisions are easier.

At this point, there are too many conflicting places I want to go, to many things to do which have dependencies. So I must write them all down and find my priorities. I'm sure that some items on the list will never happen and others will be surprises tucked like a prize in a cereal box only to arrive when you least expect it and get covered in milk. But the simple question now is do I need the bowl or am I doing something else for breakfast altogether?

I am rather afraid of finding the answers to these questions. It will make me vulnerable, mostly to myself but also to others. When they ask what my plans are after the layoffs (Will we really be laid off? No one knows, but we're assuming yes for sanity's sake.) I won't be able to say that I'm still exploring options. I will have Plans and as such will put Expectations upon them. Is this bad? Not really. Directions are guidelines, never set in stone. But Hopes and Dreams are dangerous things, apt to be thwarted by fate or butterfly wings in Asia. If there was one lesson I learned from having a wedding, it is that all plans are laid waste by circumstance, and circumstance is not a kind mistress. But to have some plan and a bit of hope staves off the darkness for a while.