March 7th, 2006

ink well, writing

Birthday Monologue

Today I turn Old. I'm officially Over Thirty today and despite all the preludes and planning and plotting over how my family will celebrate (my Dad's birthday is this month as well, so it's really a birthday month celebration), I find that I still feel... shocked. I'm Over Thirty. Where did this come from? How did I get here?

In fact, I have no earthly idea. As a youngster I was convinced that I would die early, say 25 or so. So getting to be this age was never in the plan. It wasn't that I was morbid about the early death, somehow it had just become a fact of life that I wouldn't get older than 25. I have no idea if every kid goes through this inability to conceive of themselves beyond a certain age but I guess envisioning death is a little extreme, even if they do. So this event feels a bit like a milestone passed even if I never knew the road went this far.

I'm not a big fan of birthdays. For me they fall into the category of holidays that are over-commercialized and therefore develop excessive expectations that can only end in disappointment. I much prefer to just be with the people I love. Does this make me a well-adjusted adult? How do I explain this to people who still believe that giving and getting is what makes a day memorable? Does it really matter? There are so many questions still left to answer and some days I wonder if I'm making any progress at all. But I guess it's a good sign that I'm learning that I really don't know anything at all.

So I'm trying to come to terms with this new age, even though it is really only an anniversary, and one that can be easily ignored at that. I'm not any different than I was yesterday and I'm certainly not going to use this new number as an excuse to do anything bizarre.  No matter how tempting it is.

(no subject)

As a birthday present to myself, I ordered some plants for my fish tanks over the weekend. I'm starting to think I might be a little insane.
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    The Eagles - One Of These Nights
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Our House

This house is conspiring against my sanity. We've started half-heartedly looking for the property we'll build on and so I igured it was a good idea to get the prequalifying for the loan out of the way. You know, just to have an idea of how much we can spend on stuff. The numbers came back and really freaked me out with how high they are. I just wasn't expecting that sort of thing. So I started thinking that maybe we should wait a bit longer and be patient.

And then about 20 minutes later my husband comes in and says that the front gutter is trying to separate itself from the house. This house is trying to tell us to get out before it crashes down around our ears. We were half thinking of renting it out, but at this point I'll be happy to get rid of it and let the next idiot repair everything that'll break in the next 5 years.