savannah (onsafari) wrote,

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Birthday Monologue

Today I turn Old. I'm officially Over Thirty today and despite all the preludes and planning and plotting over how my family will celebrate (my Dad's birthday is this month as well, so it's really a birthday month celebration), I find that I still feel... shocked. I'm Over Thirty. Where did this come from? How did I get here?

In fact, I have no earthly idea. As a youngster I was convinced that I would die early, say 25 or so. So getting to be this age was never in the plan. It wasn't that I was morbid about the early death, somehow it had just become a fact of life that I wouldn't get older than 25. I have no idea if every kid goes through this inability to conceive of themselves beyond a certain age but I guess envisioning death is a little extreme, even if they do. So this event feels a bit like a milestone passed even if I never knew the road went this far.

I'm not a big fan of birthdays. For me they fall into the category of holidays that are over-commercialized and therefore develop excessive expectations that can only end in disappointment. I much prefer to just be with the people I love. Does this make me a well-adjusted adult? How do I explain this to people who still believe that giving and getting is what makes a day memorable? Does it really matter? There are so many questions still left to answer and some days I wonder if I'm making any progress at all. But I guess it's a good sign that I'm learning that I really don't know anything at all.

So I'm trying to come to terms with this new age, even though it is really only an anniversary, and one that can be easily ignored at that. I'm not any different than I was yesterday and I'm certainly not going to use this new number as an excuse to do anything bizarre.  No matter how tempting it is.
Tags: birthday, memories, relationships

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